Anniversary …

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The tax man came by last night (the gentleman who is doing our taxes, that is), and all is in order, he’s taken everything back to his place, and in a couple of weeks should have our forms ready for signing and all that.

Found out last night that the deployment I thought my wife had to do tonight (I try to put them on my calendar for planning’s sake) was put off a couple weeks and she probably isn’t going to be testing it. She forgot to tell me — she’s been so wiped out. The only reason that’s important is that no plans were made for tonight, and today is our 22nd Anniversary.

Sigh. And, since it’s very hard to tell when she’s coming home from work these days (complicated, but it has to do with her being on the West Coast, if a problem occurs back East or overseas, she’s still at work and has to deal with it, write up the problem after fixing it, etc. — since some of these problems involve huge amounts of money, they can’t be ignored or put off), no plans for this evening. I am probably just going to order something to be delivered (discovered Door Dash awhile back — delivery from local restaurants, and while a little pricey, it is sometimes worth it). We’ll probably go out to a nice restaurant tomorrow to celebrate. Not sure we’ll do much else. She still has so much else to do. Sigh.

She did find out from her boss that she’s getting a nice raise and a larger-than-expected bonus. Guess all that hard work does pay off.

Well, I lugged the vacuum cleaner upstairs for a reason, I really ought to get off my butt and vacuum the upstairs part of the house as well as the stairs themselves (a bit of extra work, but …). Maybe I’ll even do a run through the downstairs as well. Give Nomad (“exterminate!”) a workout.

Another odd week …

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Well, “odd” I suppose is in how you define the word.

Haven’t heard back from the company I interviewed with. Was told “a week or so”, so will wait until … next Tuesday or later before asking what’s up.

The weird part THIS week: I decided to upgrade WordPress yesterday morning. Like an idiot, I downloaded the latest version and just simply uploaded it over the top of my existing stuff on the server at Earthlink. That was a huge mistake, as the configuration files got overwritten, and it “forgot” where the data was. So, I spent a good portion of the morning (well, nearly an hour) dealing with a support person who kept insisting on installing WordPress (or re-installing it) rather than restoring the backup. After lots of idiocy there, I went out and deleted the contents of the WordPress folder, only … there was one folder that wouldn’t delete. Some permissions thing on the server, I assume. The whole thing got written up, and the second-level support people were supposed to get in touch with me. This morning, I decided to try the link, and … et voila, it works again. What happened to contacting me?

On top of it, I went to Orchard Supply and Hardware (OSH) to see about getting some magnetic clasps for some of the cabinets in the kitchen (getting tired of banging my leg on the cabinet door with the trash can behind it — it opens on a whim just enough … argh!) Did some looking. Couldn’t find what I was looking for. Went to the guy at the front and asked for help. He flagged someone down. We went to the same place I had been looking, and still didn’t find what I needed (a magnet and a steel plate — how hard is that?). More irritating, the guy, after a couple of minutes, just walked away — didn’t make sure I found what I needed, he just walked away. Not real amused by that. I actually went to their website and complained to a feedback email address. I doubt it will do any good, but …

Have found myself most of the week playing a dumb game on the iPad (well, it is addictive — blowing sh*t up … lots of it …). I probably ought to delete it at some point. (Angry Birds / Transformers) It is way too easy to get caught up in. Also reading a lot.

Our tax guy retired on us, so he sent us information for another person who does the same thing (and comes to your house, which is nice). He’s coming by this evening …

CJ told me this morning she needs to set up an appointment at Kaiser, she’s having problems getting to sleep because her heart is racing too much. That’s … disconcerting. Even more disconcerting — as we were getting ready to leave for work she made sure I knew the password on her phone and where she stored a lot of other passwords on said phone. EEP! I don’t think it’s as serious as that, I sure hope not. Not mentioning this on FB or elsewhere, because … well, we have no clue, and there are some things that you just don’t share all over the place. What it probably boils down to is that she needs a) exercise; b) to lose weight … but we don’t know for sure. Her work has been wearing her out, and the SCA exchequer job has been tough. She only has four months to go … will be glad when that’s over.

Ugh. Keep thinking I’m going to be productive but mostly am not. Need to lug the vacuum upstairs — thinking tomorrow I’ll do some cleaning upstairs.

Speaking of tomorrow — it’s our 22nd anniversary. However, tomorrow evening she has a deployment for work. Go anywhere for OUR FREAKING ANNIVERSARY? I guess not. Need to figure something out for Saturday instead, I guess. I may still get some flowers tomorrow and all that, but sheesh. Story of our lives. The good thing is that she’s working, and despite the frustrations (and there are plenty) she actually likes her boss and mostly likes the job.

End of a weird week

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So, it’s only weird really because of the stress of the interview, but …

Last night I met up with a friend (one of several whom I have a small crush on — I know plenty of smart, lovely women that I can’t help but feel a bit of that about — I don’t act on it with any of them, and won’t, but …) last night (well, early evening) to talk about Excel and have dinner and just catch up a bit. I met her through the SCA which she’s involved in when she can fit it in around other parts of her life (husband, kids, hockey which she is a fan of, and so on). We talked about what she’s doing with her pretty complex (and honestly pretty amazing) Excel workbooks for the job she’s doing, because she was wondering if she needed to consider using macros to make them more efficient or whatever. After examining some of them, and talking about how they work, the conclusion was “naw — you’re fine”. :) It was nice. CJ was doing something similar with a friend in SF, talking SCA exchequer stuff, so that worked out.

Have been feeling like I need to get out of the house, so today I went and got some lunch and saw Deadpool (the movie). That was odd, but fun. Sadly, CJ has a ton of stuff she needs to do with the exchequer office so we don’t get out much.

I should hear sometime next week about the job, but I am going to start applying for more — I can’t count on anything. Getting the interview is hardly a guarantee … and frankly am still not sure how well I’d fit in. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. There are some QA jobs coming up, including some leads and manager positions, I am going to start applying for some of those. Just wanted to end up the week with a post. Don’t know why but ’cause …

Interview Day …

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… It’s weird. I often post a lot on Facebook about some pretty meaningless things (what movie we’re watching, oddly people like that stuff; what I’m cooking (again … sometimes they ask for recipes), and so on).

I don’t want to post about my interview today. I mean, I mentioned it last week when I got the email, and lots of positive feedback and all that. But today’s the day. I see people often post “I’m doing ‘x’ today” and they get lots of “You got this!” posts (and I sometimes respond that way to others’ posts), but today I just don’t feel like it is appropriate for me to do that.

I’ll post something after the interview, but I don’t want all the “attaboy” posts that will come with it. I’m nervous, and maybe the nervous bits are important. I don’t know. I haven’t interviewed in nearly 9 years (last face-to-face interview was at Heald, worked there for 8 years, and have been unemployed since the end of April last year …).

Not sure what more I can do to be ready, the interview is at 1:30, it’s about 9 am now. I mean, I will print out directions and be there stupidly early, because I always am. I need to go get my resume printed back-to-back — a few copies (will hit the UPS store — it’s close) — they requested I bring two … I have a list of questions to ask … I will get into suit and tie with plenty of time …

In the meantime I have worked on some code for something (adding a minor feature, but an important one); and tinkered here and there. But honestly, am not sure there’s anything I can do right now.

Ack!

Worse, I almost feel guilty that I’m not posting about this over there. Guilty? WTF?? Sheesh.

Follow-up (post interview): Drove to San Ramon (Google told me it’d take 25 minutes, so I gave myself a bit more time so I could be early — got there REALLY early … d’oh … sat in the car and just tried to stay calm) … Two people in one conference room … I was asked some good questions by the two people who interviewed me (at the same time), I hope I gave good answers. They both wrote notes on my resume which may be good. I asked some questions and got some interesting answers back. If I get the job, it’ll certainly be challenging. I guess we’ll see. I should hear something in “a week or so”. One can never tell.

Post Valentine’s Day

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I decided to do up V-Day a bit this year, simply because … We generally don’t do a lot with Valentine’s Day, among other things because in two weeks we’re celebrating our anniversary. So I did a bunch of cooking (breakfast and dinner, and we had no lunch because frankly waiting until 9 to have breakfast — that’s when she was up and moving — meant that by the time dinner came around I was just barely hungry for that!).

Despite a couple mishaps (setting off the fire alarm — sheesh — and the cork in the bottle of wine breaking so I had to mess with the bottom part of the cork) it turned it pretty well.

Herself decided after midnight to work from home (really?) today. Sigh. It kind of throws me off, I had planned on going out and seeing a  movie or something. Tomorrow she’s doing the same but that’s planned (there was a meeting scheduled with the London team last Tuesday, she worked from home and they didn’t login — turns out the three guys that were supposed to be there took the day off without letting anyone know — meeting rescheduled).

Did another fix for an SCA website last week (the coder dropped off the face of the earth, but screwed up the interface to the database, my fixes have been simply to turn a couple of forms into email forms, rather than attempting to update the database). That wasn’t too bad.

Generally feeling out of it today. Also feeling overweight (starting to get a belly … sigh — need to cut back on snacks and portions for meals and work on the whole “get some exercise” thing). I have an interview tomorrow (mentioned in previous post). Still not feeling all that sanguine about it, but … we’ll see. I will do a bunch of prep in the morning, interview is in the afternoon. Dress up, do the right things. See how it goes.

Generally feeling: Blah.

An interview? I have an interview? In Person?

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Yeah … weird. Surprised me! I got the email this morning. A week from today I have an interview for the company with the exercise that was vexing me. I guess I did better than I thought.

Nervous? Hell yeah. I have no idea if I’m the right fit for this company. I am sure I could do the job, but will it work out? Well, I guess that’s every job out there. You don’t know until you’ve been there for a bit (unless day one is horrid, but let’s not think about that). I have a week to get my sh*t together. I may still apply for other jobs if I think I might have a chance at them …

It would be nice to be working again. That whole self-worth thing would go back up a bit. I mean, I’ve kind of gotten used to not really working, although the last couple months have been more unproductive than they should have been. But still … having an actual job again would be nice. One that paid something decent would be better. The most money I ever made was during my Software Quality Assurance days — Borland -> Omnicell -> dBASE (well, at the beginning of the time at dBASE — it went down after a while … sheesh — let’s not open THOSE wounds again). As much as I loved the job at Heald, the pay wasn’t where it should have been based on where I had been headed.

So, Tuesday of next week, I will traverse the relatively short distance to San Ramon for the interview, and see how things go. At the worst, I don’t get the job. At the next worst, I get the job but don’t like it … for that I’d keep working and be getting the resume back out again. But I’ve only had one job I really didn’t like, never had one I truly hated …

Ack.

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My sister-in-law invited herself to dinner. CJ feels bad, because she took the day off for an “arts day” with her BFF and some others yesterday, and while I sort of remember her mentioning that Gail wanted to do dinner, I had assumed we were going out.

NOPE. I get to cook. I REALLY FREAKING WISH SHE HAD MENTIONED THIS. Today is the fucking super bowl, and I have to go to the store when EVERYONE is getting their shit together for the stupid game so they can have their munchies while they watch it. ARGH.

We’re not having a good day … (on top of it, the DVD for Man of La Mancha decided to not work about halfway through for no good reason … so we were watching that, and it died …).

CJ is stressing out, too. About to freaking implode. She wants to purge the house of unneeded things, but she needs to do other stuff as well and … crazy. Just crazy. Not having a relaxing Sunday, that’s for sure.

Bit of follow-up (next day): Dinner went well, so at least that’s good. Everything was cooked properly, tasted great … whew. OTOH, have spent most of the day today wiped, which is weird. Went to bed at a decent hour, slept through to alarm mostly (a couple of waking up moments, but not bad). Ending up spending a good portion of the day reading. Went and got my hair cut (just in case an interview comes up, not that I’m counting on that …) Sheesh. Gotta get off my ass tomorrow and get stuff done.  Have had to remind two places that owe me money about getting the check out and the other one processed (through PayPal). Why is that so hard?

Follow-up to depression post

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I heard back, they got the “exercise”, will get hold of me when it’s been evaluated. I still feel like I’m not likely to be considered for the position. Honestly I’m mostly okay about that.

I may have to get back into software Quality Assurance. Not a job I enjoyed all that well, but I’m pretty good at. I responded to one post on LinkedIn the other day for a QA Manager. Of course, gawd only knows if I’ll hear anything back.

CJ is off being a scribe today, which is great for her — she gets to socialize, do some artsy stuff, all that. Me, I’m stuck again with nothing to do, no one to hang with … doesn’t add to getting me out of my general malaise / depression …

I’ll come out of it eventually. Just … not feeling all that great about myself. Sigh. Can’t think of anything else I want to write about at the moment.

Depression is a thing …

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I admit it, I’m depressed. Not clinically, but …

I did the “exercise” for that job I interviewed (by phone) with and returned it yesterday. I then sat down in my chair downstairs and cried for a few minutes. Literally … tears welled up, etc. I felt like crap. I know I didn’t do well on it, and doubt I’ll get the interview. Frankly after the phone interview I am not sure I would do well with this firm anyway, but it’s harder and harder on the ego. As I’m writing this I feel a tear forming in the corner of my right eye.

Shit. Just … shit. I hate this. 9 months I’ve been looking for work. Okay, not as hard as I ought to — I have the cushion that my wife makes enough money we’re doing okay. But still, it’s hard. It’s frustrating as hell.

Worse, the depression is making it harder for me to get into other things I really ought to. I am very slowly working on the online course. I should be halfway done with it, but I’m just starting the project myself, so I can then reproduce it for the course. I still haven’t come back to the PHP project I was working on.

CJ’s job (and the exchequer job) make it impossible for us to have much social life, which is also part of the depression, I’m sure. We got out last Sunday to see the troupe members who could make the cast party (most of them, but not all). It was hard to leave, but she needed to get home to work on stuff.

I am at a loss what to do anymore. I spend 24 hours a day in the house, I am a shut-in. Worse, most of the time I don’t actually feel like getting out anymore.

Just to keep anyone who might actually read this from worrying, I’m not suicidal, I’m not that bad. I have never been to that point, and can’t see myself getting there. I just don’t feel very good about myself these days, and don’t know what to do about it …

Not wanting to jinx anything …

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… I have a phone interview tomorrow. Gad. Trying to not feel overly enthusiastic (because the let-down if I don’t get it can be crushing), but … not saying anything about the company yet, etc. Will be visiting their website this afternoon and trying to throw together some notes so I have intelligent sounding questions for the person I talk to …

Other than that, it’s been cold lately. Slept badly last night (not sure if it was concern about this contact, or just brain not shutting down properly) … bleah. May take a Tylenol PM tonight to help sleep better so am more rested (and maybe re-establish a proper sleep pattern).

Not much else to add today. Not getting any work done, either. Maybe I’ll take another stab at the outline I’m doing this afternoon as well as the company research.