Bleahs … why …?

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The “bleahs” just keep on coming. I feel on the verge of depression, but I’m not really sure. I’ve never really dealt with hard-core depression. Or maybe I did when I first moved to the Bay Area all those years ago and trashed my relationship over it. But it’s been a long time since then. I’ve never been clinically depressed, and don’t expect this is anything close to that (I have a couple friends who suffer that way, and I’m sure I’m not there). It’s really the hopeless feeling of the job market, more than anything else, coupled with boredom, with not feeling like I’m doing anything worthwhile …

I have given up on trying to get another teaching job — I really get the feeling it just isn’t going to happen. Decided to change the focus to Technical Writing. I found 5 or so jobs today that I applied for, so that’s something. But it doesn’t change my feeling of just … bleah.

On the plus side CJ and I went to the Golden Stag Players’ picnic yesterday (even though we’re not really part of the troupe anymore, we founded it …), had a blast, laughed a lot, which was nice. Good folk.

Today, watching a few SF shows I’ve been trying to stay on top of. Applying for jobs. Did my daily walk (trying to walk every work-day …). Just not being very productive. Also waiting for a “hotfix” release on the software I’m writing my book about so I can finish something … supposed to be done today or tomorrow, was hoping for today.

It’s supposed to be a mother-f****** hot week. Today into the low 90s, and then tomorrow into the triple-digits for at least two more days … argh. I will be glad when summer is over.

So, how am I feeling today? “Bleah. Just … bleah.”

Bleah. Just … bleah …

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Got up this morning on the “wrong side of the bed”, as they say … probably started last night, when, on the way home CJ yelled at me in the car. She never does that. She apologized before we went to sleep, but it got under my skin. I did sleep, but even so …

Today has just been … nerves. I planned on (didn’t tell herself, because I didn’t USED to have to) going to the Farmer’s Market today. That got side-railed by herself needing to do a deposit for the SCA (her *(&&^&^!!! exchequery job interrupting plans again), and I thought we had today by ourselves, as we planned on her sister’s birthday dinner tomorrow (the actual birthday). However, SIL called last night and plans got moved to this evening. Ack. I really HATE last minute changes, but Gail is a force of chaos.

Anyway, we went to the store and just trying to park it was idiot city. People walking in front of the car without looking, pulling in/out of parking spots the same, etc. I was ready to kill someone before even walking in the door.

Sheesh.

On the plus side, I helped cause the folk at dBASE to re-think how they were doing something and that will be implemented soon (as in possibly tomorrow evening or Monday). I got a couple nice letters of recommendation when I requested them from my supervisors at Heald. (Needed them to apply for a job in San Francisco.) Am making headway on my book (not fast enough, but …). AND a friend gave me a coupon for 3/4 off the cost of some online web programming training. I’m about 1/5 of the the way through the class, and have learned a few things in the basic areas (HTML and CSS) that I am fairly fluent in. So there are good things happening, but man, I just feel bleah today. Totally bleah.

Grumble, mutter.

Tomorrow is the Golden Stag Player picnic. It still feels a bit weird not being in charge, but there is a certain relief factor as well. Look forward to seeing folk …

Obviously herself is really stressed out. She’s having to interview for jobs at work. That’s always nerve-wracking, even though there’s very little chance she won’t get one of the jobs she’s applied for. But I know that interviews are hard on people. One friend interviewed yesterday and posted on Facebook afterward “Can I throw up now?” … stress. Anyway, on top of all that, herself is dealing with more SCA exchequer tom-foolery (rules changes, lots of fun …). Stressed in lots of ways. Hard on me in the process …

Oh well. Things will calm, but still … I hate feeling out of sorts.

Just ’cause … bored and tired, and hot and …

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Sigh. Most of the work I needed on the one form is done … I really ought to force myself to start looking at one of the other chapters for my book.

Job hunting still as depressing as ever. I am going to have to widen my parameters soon. What really hurts is that I had hoped to retire from Heald … Now … who knows? I really don’t want to end up flipping burgers the last 20 years of my life …

Last night was a bad one for me. CJ didn’t leave work until 6:45 which meant she got home after 8. This really had me angry and put out, and I realized what bothered me about it … I am a man who prefers patterns in my life. I prefer things to happen most days pretty regularly. Minor variations are okay, but … with my being unemployed, I have very little actual pattern of any sort in my life now. It’s frustrating the hell out of me. I prefer dinner at certain times, and 8 or later is not acceptable (not to mention it’s not good for the body …). The only real pattern I have right now is: alarm at 4:40, take wife to BART at 5:45 and … that’s about it. Sigh. My whole framework is toast these days. I went to work at the same time most days (when I was working), even though I didn’t have classes first thing in the morning just to keep a pattern. With my wife coming home at gawd knows when, even THAT pattern is thrown out the window. It’s been hard on me, and I didn’t really even realize that was what was bothering me. Good grief.

Oh well. I have been walking most days (starting earlier) about a mile (give or take a little), and that’s actually made it easier for me to sleep … I think. It’s hard to tell for sure, it’s only been a week+. But …

On the plus side, CJ’s boss has pretty much guaranteed she’ll have work after the reorg … as much as anyone can. Fantastic review, and he’s the only person going for one management position, and he really wants CJ on his team … that’s a plus. Maybe she’ll even get a higher level position? On the down-side, the SCA exchequer’s office is wiping her out. Badly … too many demands, not enough time …

Just a bit …

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Crazy days. Busy, though. Keeping myself insanely busy, but not getting any nibbles on jobs.

CJ on the other hand already has a phone interview (tomorrow), and got a review that was really good …

Frustrated, but just keep trying.

One programmer has been putting together code for an ActiveX control as an example for my book, but man, his code is hard to read. I want to get a “final” version from him so I can figure it out, and rewrite stuff so it makes more sense. Sigh. Oh well, don’t look a gift horse, etc.

Going out for a walk has been good for me, I think, but I am not really burning that many calories, I think. Need to cut back on junk food, and such, but that’s tough. Harder because CJ, while admitting she needs to lose weight, does nothing (she eats after I come up to get ready for bed, etc.) … I can’t do much, she has to make the decision to deal with her weight, just like years ago she needed to be the one to decide to stop smoking.

Just kinda dumping right now. It’s been a weird and not very productive day. Tomorrow I go in for a PSA (blood draw for testing). Then I need to try to be more productive. Feeling kind of out of it. Oh well.

Keep on swimming …

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Sunday CJ came back from the war, had a great trip. Not surprised … However, first thing she needed to start doing was applying for jobs, as her department is being reorganized, in a few months. Everyone gets “laid off”, and so has to apply for the new jobs (they get priority, I guess) in the reorganized department. So this week, along with catching up at work (a week off is a long time), she has had to apply for jobs. She’s worried she won’t get her current boss, who she really gets along well with. Luckily, if she gets laid off and doesn’t get one of the new positions, the worst that will happen is what happened when she was laid off from Wells last time … really nice severance (paid like a regular paycheck, for a fairly good length of time, with benefits, during which time she will be applying for positions wherever she can). Sheesh.

In the “it never rains but it pours” department: this week I got a new beta build for the software I’m writing a book about (and had to update some of my sample code and the chapters to deal with changes); and I got not one, but two chapters to edit for the technical editing contract.

Oddly, the EDD’s website (unemployment) for confirming your status and such requires, if you did any work, that you fill in a field — but it doesn’t accept that field as being valid if you do or don’t. Their programmers suck. Next time (NEXT Sunday) I will probably have to do that manually — it takes longer to get paid … and not get paid for this week. Oh well. However, don’t want to get in trouble for fraud. Sigh.

Still job hunting and not getting anywhere. Hate that.

Have been ripping DVDs so I have electronic versions (for travel or just watching when CJ has guests or is busy working downstairs and I don’t want to watch a movie and spoil her attention). Most of them have come across just fine. However, am filling up the hard drive … eventually (once I’m working again) I need a larger external backup drive, or one specifically for media, or … the one thing I’ve noticed is that the “chapters” aren’t there, and you don’t have menus and such. There’s another way, but it basically means creating a full DVD copy. I may eventually need to do that (again) for ALL the discs, which might mean multiple external drives. (So I have backups of backups …)

On Wednesday I started going for a walk in the afternoon (did it Thursday and Friday as well). I think that’s helped me sleep a bit better at night. It’s not a huge distance, almost certainly less than a mile, takes me about 1/2 hour or so right now. I plan on continuing this during the work week just because it’s good for me. Will eventually up the distance, change the route … but one step at a time (as it were).

Tomorrow’s gonna be weird. CJ is taking care of an SCA thing at our clubhouse (the Order of Chivalry is meeting there), but really just needs to be there for setup and cleanup. Me, I have a Herald’s meeting (also SCA) which is going to be a LONG one — lots of items submitted … leaving earlier than usual tomorrow for that. Dunno when I’ll be home. Yippee. But … that’s how that volunteer thing goes in the SCA.

Suppose I ought to try to be productive …. maybe head to the store and get a few things for a LIGHT lunch, since breakfast was a bit later than usual (herself slept in). We’re talking about going out for dinner just ’cause we haven’t had that much “us” time lately, so don’t want a huge lunch.

Bacheloring It … I’m So Boring …

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My wife finally got to go to the An Tir/West War (SCA event), left Tuesday, will be back Sunday (late) — it’s in S. Oregon, so quite a drive. She’s been wanting to go for years. Me, I’ve not been all that interested, because I am not a combatant in the SCA, and while I realize there are other things going on, I just don’t really feel like it. Besides it’s an eleven hour drive each way. Bleh.

You’d think I’d go nuts or something. Party like crazy, go out with people … nope. Been rather dull. Work on the book, apply for some jobs, rip some DVDs … went out to a movie yesterday, was thinking about doing that again (different movie), but had insomnia last night, lost about 4 hours sleep. Bleah.

Book is coming along. I have three chapters that need more stuff from the developers, I have one chapter I keep coming back to, and I need to buckle down and deal with the other chapter (daunting, but I’ll get there). Need to work on a cover design, too … then indexing, and all that fun stuff.

4th of July Party tomorrow and a friends’ place, I’ve got the stuff and will make gazpacho for the party … just feeling a bit out of it right now.

Anyway, exciting little me. Sheesh. Of course, most of the people I’d probably want to do something with went to the war, but even so …  I could have found someone, I suppose. Am figuring on going downstairs soon (it’s been VERY hot lately) and read, nap (try to catch up some of the sleep I didn’t get last night), and then eventually make the gazpacho. Dinner will be boring … tomorrow will be fun, and then back to boring. :) Oh well. Sometimes just having complete downtime is good.

It’s been weird … you don’t really think about it, but those little things your S/O does when they’re around, the ability to say something and get a laugh, whatever … so yes, I do miss her, but it is also nice to have some alone time.